Jeffery James Musso

I've come to find the hardest part about this damn thing is figuring out where to start. Sometimes there's not much to sort through but when there is it's a bitch to figure out what to say first. But here I am trying to figure it out because I am way past due on updating. Ha-ha! It's a new year. Maybe my goal should be to keep up huh?

Well, I guess we can start from the earliest time. Kyla had her birthday on Halloween. The birthday everyone waits for. The coming of age. All that crap. We didn't really celebrate. We went over before taking the kids trick-or-treating, saw everyone all dressed up. She looked on edge but other than that she was pretty much fine. Sometimes I feel sorry for her. It must be lonely always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for everyone around you except family to abandon ship at the sign of hardship. But then I think of things that have happened and think maybe she has a point. She never seems to be disappointed so maybe she sets her sights low so she can't be hurt or disappointed. She just seems so guarded even around family. Like there's a past no one should know about. A secret that would kill her if anyone found out. Maybe there is. I just wish I could break the walls she's built up.

( More things that should be talked about... )

What else is going on? We're still hoping to find a nice house for all of us. It's not that this one is bad but we want a house that is ours. You know, one that suits us both. And is good for the kids and dogs. And anything else that comes in the future. Maybe even a house with some growning room. Just in case. It's not that I'm planning anything but you can never be too sure.

Anyway, that's about it from me. I need to get out more. Go visit Jake and Nikki. Make more friends. All that kind of stuff. And to finish this off, pictures of the kids.

( My little tykes. )

( I'm bad about procrastinating especially when busy. )

So not much has been going on. What can I say? I'm still getting used to married life. The kids are still getting used to two adults in the house. They originally didn't like the plan because when they go to my sister's, they have two adults making them mind the rules. But they seem to be warming up to the idea now. I always thought I was pretty lax on the rules. I don't have that many. I don't control who they see or when unless we have something planned. They have friends come over. Okay. So I did tell them they weren't going out with friends on Halloween. But that's more out of fear something will happen to them. I never said the friends couldnt join us. But they think they're old enough to be out on their own. But we'll get into that on down in this thing.

As I said I'm getting used to married life. It's been going great. I have no complaints. Her mom probably still thinks I'm the devils spawn or something. Her sister at least puts up with me. I'm not sure on her feelings most of the time. Really I think my standing in that family is pretty much the same as I have in my own. I'm not good but I'm not bad either. Sometimes I can be either one. As I'm sure some have figured out and others will figure it out soon enough. But all in all I like where I'm at. I have no complaints about Adri. No bad thoughts. Sometimes I have the over eager thoughts. Those can get me into trouble. I do try to help get Adri used to things in the house. She still calls it mine and I guess in a way it is. I wonder if it would be better to move. To make a new start as a family. Maybe not a new neighborhood. The kids like this neighborhood. Who knows what the future holds though right?

( More about Adri the kids friends and family. )

Halloween is coming. I don't really have many plans. Take the kids out for their candy. Tell Kyla happy birthday and go to bed. The kids already have their costumes. Bianca wanted to be a witch. Brittany a cheerleader. And Tucker some bad guy off a cartoon. I think Ben 10 but I'm not sure. I'm not even sure he's a bad guy. I don't know much about the cartoons now days. I hear Vini got hers as well. So this Halloween is going to be fun. Not sure if we're taking the kids ourselves or going with others. Who knows? We'll figure it all out soon enough.

I don't have much else to say. But I do have one thing I want to touch on. Some maybe a lot will be mad for me about it. And yes it is about the secrets. Aria was right. We voted for it. We shouldn't get pissed at them. Though there were some entertaining ones this time around. Anyway, moving on. That's not what I was going to hit on. Now as I said above, my sister is a kid and she acts it at times. But when both my sibling and my wife's sibling decides it's okay to act like five year olds all the time, it's a little old. So I'm going to say this once and that's it. I don't care which one of you does it. I know Nikki doesnt like Kyla. And Kyla pretty much hates Nikki. So now that we know the feelings mutual one of you be the bigger person and knock off the bullshit. Grow up and set somewhat of a good example for the kids. I'm sure you both set great examples when you're not around one another. Try to do it while you are around each other. Yes I have talked to Kyla about it. So I'm not just picking on one person. I'm just sick of the childish antics of you two. And I realize not all the words said were about Kyla but come on attacking the boyfriend and bringing it up over and over after it was ended, not exactly the grown up thing to do. And if you didn't care like you claim, you wouldn't have brought it up again.

I should get out more. I should make some time to run into Jake again. Maybe even talk to some strangers around here. Maybe even get to know my little sister's boyfriend. Ha-ha! She'd just love that. I think I heard something about dinner.

Anyway to end this...a couple of pictures of little Vini. I should post some of the other two shouldn't I? Maybe later.( The looks are great )

So we're back. Okay, maybe we have been for a day or two but things needed to get calmed down within the house in order for me to start having time for the computer. The kids went crazy when I picked them up from Jordie's asking all sorts of questions. Unfortunately it was all at the same time so no question was heard properly. And all questions went unanswered.

( Meetings, friends, weddings and more. )

It was refreshing not having any worries for a week. No phone calls. No kids. And then we got home, and there was a phone call. From my boss no less. He pretty much told me when I was done playing in the fairy tale I was needed at work. If he thinks I think marriage is a walk in the park, he's dead wrong. I know better than that. And I'll go back to work when my second week is up. Stupid jackass.

And now that we are home, I get to move Adri and Vini in with the help of her uncle of course. And if anyone else wants to help or even drop by, you can. I'm sure Adri wouldn't mind some socializing while we get things situated. Not that she can't help us move the stuff in. I still need to find time to try to talk to her mom. Yeah the last couple times didn't go so well. I apparently don't do well communicating with parents or at least hers. I'm sure the fiasco before Christmas didn't help but I think I have my anger under control now.

I need to get out more. I don't know hardly anyone. And it wouldn't hurt me to run into new people. I need to check in on Geri and Alyssa as well. And it wouldn't hurt to have another talk with Jake. But for now it's time to do more moving and less chatting. So I guess I'm off.

Life has ways of making itself interesting and yet a nuisance. Something so simple becomes the hardest thing to do. Why? Because all humans need support. We all needs someone. We're kind of a pack. We all crave companionship and acceptance. We don't always get it but we always want it. But I'll get into that later. Life also has a tendency to throw you curves. I tend to miss a lot of them. My little sister however likes to swing for the fence on the curves. She's a great kid. Always trying to stay positive and upbeat. She's an amazing little girl that's been through one hell of a lot.

( family, weddings, and more. )

The kids are mostly ready for school. They still need to get some clothes and some small things. But for the most part they're ready. Tucker and Bianca are excited. Brittany, not so much. She doesn't really like school. Too many kids that treat her different due to her "brother" and sister telling them of her disease. I have tried to get them to stop tormenting her. But there's only so much I can do. Any suggestion you have might be good.

I've been reading a lot more lately. I don't have much else to do except watch tv once the kids are asleep. I read about abuse and such and I realize no matter how bad my life is, someone else is or has probably gone through much much worse. I feel sorry for them but there's not much I can do about it. I always think if I saw an abused kid, I'd do something about it. But I've never really had to test myself on that. I've never put myself in a position where I'd be able to see the abused even if I wanted too. Perhaps I'm afraid I may not take action like I hope I would. I don't really know.

I'm really hoping to get out more once the kids are in school. Maybe I'll start running or something. Get back into shape. I don't know. I'm sure there's something I can think of to do to get myself out and about. I need to meet more people and not sit in the office or house all day.

Anyway, I have research to do and the kids are hungry. I better get going.

I told a friend they should clear the air. They should finish the chapter of their old life before starting the new. After all in all books, it is best to finish the chapter before going to the next. It somehow gives more understanding and meaning to the next chapter. It’s odd to start this off with that. But it’s fitting for what’s coming next. Maybe if I practiced what I preach, I’d be doing better on flipping the page myself.

No one should live in the past. I know that. Always look a head. Look toward the future. But there are so many unanswered questions in the past. Things I can’t move on from. No matter what I do I am who I am. I am a mobster’s son. I should have taken over the business but I didn’t. I let my kid sister do that. Instead I became an enemy of the family. Putting them away rather than joining them. But there’s always that part of me that wants revenge. If there’s blood shed on my side of the family, someone has to pay the price. There has been bloodshed in the family and no one has paid the price yet. It’s only a matter of time though. I’m sure the person who did it will be caught. If we’re lucky shot and killed. I know that’s a little harsh but so is shooting an unarmed person. Kyla was lucky. She was protected from what she really was. Everything her mom did was to keep her from the life the rest of us led. And now even when her parents say no, she throws herself into our lives. Head first. She acts like she can conquer anything. Nothing will overcome her. She’s not afraid. I don’t get how she does it. I don’t get how she can’t panic like a normal person.

( More holiday, family and friends. )

And now for the most important and best in my life right now. My beautiful girlfriend, Adri. I go to her place as much as I can. And she comes to me as much as she can if I can’t go to her. At times, I’d think I wear my welcome thin. But she never complains. I spent some time with her a few days ago. I tend to always bring her flowers and some other small trinket. I enjoy doing it. I know I don’t have too. I know she doesn’t need them. But I do know it puts a smile on her face which is all I need. We share a kiss. She tells me about her day and asks about mine. It’s a nice little ritual. The day I went over she was going to watch tv and relax. But everyone knows there’s almost nothing to watch on tv right? Ha-ha! She works herself so hard. I gave her a nice little massage that night. She seemed to enjoy herself until Vini needed fed. I didn’t get to feed her but I got to burp her which led to a little joking around with projectile spit-up. Yes. The interesting conversations that can come out of feeding and/or changing our daughter are one of a kind. We talked of having more kids and her moving. Maybe a little closer to me. I know we can’t live together. I understand the reasoning and I can agree and respect it. I also understand why she doesn’t get some of my choices. I don’t exactly make it easy to understand. But Adri tries to understand. I love her so much. There’s so much I could say. So much too say. She’s a beautiful woman inside and out. I hope our daughter takes after her. I could brag about Adri all day. I could list all the great qualities she has and say exactly why I think she's perfect. But I think I will stop that for now and just tell her privately why she's perfect.

And with that I will think I will end this. I hope everyone had a happy and fun Fourth of July.

I love you Adri!

And Nikki, I think you should talk your husband into wearing a dress. You know in case you need some better entertainment? Ha-ha!

Jake and Nikki- Congrats on the nuptials! I hope you're having a blast on your honeymoon!

I suppose it is time for me to do this. There's not all that much to say though. Adri covered a lot of what's been going on in her last update. But I suppose I could touch on a few of those points. One point I probably shouldn't bring up but I'm going to anyway. The fight was partly my fault. I brought Adri into it. I didn't think it would get blown out of proportion. We all make decisions that sometimes don't work out the way we think they should. And that one didn't work out well on my part.

( More family and such. )

The other day Adri invited me over for lunch. I normally don't take a lunch but lately I have been. Anyway I went over to her place for lunch which was a delicious pasta salad. I got to hold Vini while eating. And before I left I got to change her diaper. Adri offered to do it but really it doesn't take all that long to change a diaper. And if my boss is going to be that assy well then tough shit. I'm going to spend time with my daughter and my girlfriend. If that means showing up late from lunch, he's not paying me so why should he care? Plus I like helping take care of Vini. Not everything should always be pushed on to Adri. I can help as well. Any time I am needed and probably some I'm not. Ha-ha!

Sunday was the anniversary of losing our first little girl. I don't know how to cope with it. I never have. I still haven't gotten past my sons death or the miscarriage. I tend to keep those feelings hidden. I don't like to show them. I don't know how to show them properly. And sometimes I just want the feelings to go away. I want to be happy. I want to know and believe they're in a better place. But yet I still want them here with me. I don't know how to cope or feel. I don't know how to help Adri. I'm so lost when it comes to that. My son died a few summer's back. So I guess there's a lot of bad anniversaries in the summer. Hopefully they will be mixed with some good as well.

Anyway Belle wants out and I need a nap. So it's time to end this.

I actually got out and did something this time around. Amazing isn’t it? I haven’t seen either sister in a while.Well, actually, no, I saw Jordie not too long ago. She had to babysit for m while I was in court. Unfortunately that was a rather late night. But you know, the normal confidential crap so I can’t talk about it. Not that anyone would probably want to know. I mean it’s not like some really exciting case or anything. Just one I had to complete.

( Out and about )

I still go to my anger management meetings. I have added AA meetings and therapy to that list too. Yes, I see a psychiatrist. Why? It helps me I guess. I haven’t exactly slept well since Kyla’s accident. I don’t really talk about it. I might with some people but not with everyone so that’s about as far on that topic as I’m going. Everything is going good so far. People are telling me I’m coming a long way in treatment in the groups. Whatever that means.

Anyway, I’m tired and Belle needs out for one last walk before bed. Which reminds me, I’m thinking of getting another dog. Time to end this for now.

I really need to work on getting out more. I haven't exactly talked to anyone that doesn't have some personal connection with me. I haven't even talked to Jake for a while. Not since he came to check on Kyla when she was in a coma. I've seemed to shelter myself away from the outside world. So to save time and what little energy I do have, I see there's a lot of new people around. Welcome around. I'm sure I'll run into some of you at some point. Maybe after a nap or two I'll try to be more social. Sleep doesn't exactly come easy these days though. Long story I don't care to talk about.

Things are changing around me. I'm not sure how well I like it or if it's good or bad. For the most part I guess it's good. I'm getting along with Nikki so far. I'm not exactly sure what made that change. My sister, Jordie, and her husband have been treating me fairly decent. I think that's because of Kyla's incident. I have my girl back in my life. And I did manage to make a new friend who was thought to be something more but who cares what others think anyway? All in all, they're very good changes that were made. But they're all happening at once. And me I'm just trying to keep up but I seem to be falling behind lately. Soon I'll catch back up again I hope.

( Holidays family and more. )

Work has been going good. I got someone else to manage the bar so I'm not there as often. But it is going great as far as I know. It's still standing anyway. The firm is getting busy. I'm normally stuck on the pud cases. Have to earn the respect again. At least I still have a job and am still a partner. I can't really complain. I knew there would be reprecussions for what I did. But at least I can argue in court. It's what I do best most of the time. Plus the office reminds me of how Adri and I met. Good times.

Anyway I should really get some rest now. Well, after I take little Belle for a walk.